Chemotherapy is a totally de-humanising experience anyway – at least I found it so – because you lose any sense of the natural rhythm of your body. All the usual routines fell by the wayside; my appetite became irregular and unreliable, my taste buds changed, I struggled immensely with the sickness, and diarrhoea was never very far away. The exit point for the lines never really healed properly and the discomfort reduced my mobility more and more. Anything involving my right arm caused the wound to become sore so I just kind of retreated into my body. I felt really ugly with tubes coming out of my skin, and I stank of chemicals. No wonder I had my down days. It is at these times the support from loved ones became even more precious because they just saw it as part of a journey that would see my return to health. That inner pulse of love and strength kept me going through the dark times. Judy Hall was in touch every day frequently recounting what we had been doing together on other planes of existence. My constant desire for pink – a source of great amusement to everyone else – revealed itself to her and she communicated this to me:
I ‘dreamt’ about you last night. I was sending you healing and I remember walking up to you and holding out my hands to meet yours. Then we were in rose quartz. It was most extraordinary. One of my clients had written to me yesterday about crystalline civilisations and here we were in one of them. It’s the source of the fluffy pink light. I know I’ve always seen rose quartz as unconditional love but this was us as part of that. Can’t quite explain, it was like nothing I’ve done with a crystal before and I’ve forgotten most of it because I drifted into the sleepy ‘dream’. But I do think you should have some about your person at all times!
Yes you definitely need the pink, it’s not just a girly reaction. It was really clear that rose quartz was ‘you’ in a very profound way and it does carry the unconditional love you need to give yourself and to accept from outside too so it’s brilliant that you’re wearing it.
I have a lovely rose quartz mala given to me by Swamiji when my parents died, and this was an extremely intimate and vital part of the pink ensemble. I was never far away from it during my trips to hospital. Judy was at that time working on her Crystal Oracle cards and was having fun pulling them out on my behalf. She sent this:
AnandaliteTM: cosmic consciousness
Iridescent Anandalite reminds us that consciousness is omniscient and ominpresent, seeing all, knowing all, and that we create our world. Immerse yourself in a quantum field, the holographic universe, and the mystical inter-connectedness that is cosmic consciousness.
Vibration: exceptionally high
Chakra: Higher crown. Cleanses and actives all
Timing: present moment
Soul path: becoming a vessel for cosmic consciousness
Self-understanding: You have the potential to live in a completely different dimension of consciousness. Recognise that you pre
viously operated within a very narrow band of awareness. Attune to flashes of divine light within your soul to take you into the interconnectedness of life. Let feelings of separation fall away and embrace unity. Anandalite gently facilitates integration and releases emotional blockages standing in the way of spiritual awakening.
Divination: You are here to experience cosmic consciousness. Transform your goals and seek a new direction. You have exceptionally clear sight at this time. You find yourself stripped to the bone as the old falls away, do not despair, new light is infused. Know that when you transform your awareness, humanity experiences a quantum shift.
Healing insight: Enlightenment can happen right now. You are part of everything and everything is part of you.
Wow. That was pretty accurate. I was certainly being destroyed from the inside out by the chemo and as we know, nature abhors a vacuum. I was being given space and time for introspection; I was also wondering just how I was going to get through all this and who and how I would be at the end of it all. But we can never know the outcome when we start on a major – and forced – journey like this. Something I still struggle with is the concept of one-ness and everybody being part of the whole. It makes sense to me that we are all connected – so the rose isn't just a rose etc., but it doesn't give a lot of support in facing the fear of a life-threatening illness, or the horrible side effects from the treatment. At those times I was very much on my own. Nobody else could get in my head and comfort me or do it for me – so I felt anything but connected to the greater consciousness. I felt like shouting out "No, we are not all one, because I'm having to go through all this and you aren't." Where's the Oneness and fairness in that?
No answer to that, obviously.
My deep thoughts were often punctuated by wonderful people like the lovely and effervescent Barnaby Roberts who used to work for me at The Wessex Astrologer. We worked together every day for four years and were incredibly close. He was my protégé and I the willing audience to his total nuttiness and deep sensitivity. The day he left to grace another company with his presence was extremely hard, but we have stayed in touch through the years. I was torn apart inside when I had to tell him about the diagnosis – it is so hard to hear somebody being upset on your behalf. But Barnaby was the catalyst that started the whole blog thing off and I am deeply grateful to him for that not very small act. He was upset because he hadn't been included in the loop at one point in the early days, and I was recounting this to Darrelyn when she suggested writing the blog. Barnaby knew that I had always wanted to write and this was the perfect vehicle.
Under Cover of Darkness: How I Blogged My Way Through Mantle Cell Lymphoma by Margaret Cahill, will be published by O Books April 24th 2015. ISBN: 978-1-78279-930-6 (Paperback) £12.99 $22.95, EISBN: 978-1-78279-931-3 (eBook) £6.99 $9.99.
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